Tales of a Drunken Degenerate, part seventeen, Chickenwing Flies The Coop
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http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fwMg1ym2xqE&feature=related
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At first you think you may have dialed the wrong number by mistake, because it's not Wal-Mart girl who answers the phone, it's Chickenwing. "Don't hang up!" he yells, then starts to cry. "Man, I'm so sorry about everything... I didn't think you would care, usually you don't seem to give a fuck about anything. That was the first time a girl ever agreed to do that with me, and I didn't even get to finish!" He's crying harder now. "Those fucking biker guys slapped her and when I tried to stop them, they beat the shit outta me! They trashed my place and they broke my computer! They took all my dope, which turned out to be a good thing, because then the cops showed up. They found some pipes and stuff and took them away but they didn't charge me with anything, I guess they felt sorry for me because of what those guys did to my face... I thought they were going to kill me!"
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There's the sound of sniffling while he tries to get it together. "Anyway, I can't fucking live like this anymore dude. My mom said she would pay for rehab if I went for at least ninety days, so I'm leaving tomorrow. The only reason I'm here at Karen's is because she said she'd help me pack up my place and move my stuff to a storage unit. I'm really sorry man... Are we still friends?"
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There's no way you can stay mad at this blubbering pile of blubber, not after that sob story. Besides, it was just a blowjob right? Hell, if you had known he'd never had one, you might have tried to talk Wal-Mart girl into yourself, or at least paid one of your hooker acquaintences to go down on the poor bastard. Christ, he was over thirty and never had head before? Also he was right when he said you usually didn't give a fuck about anything. How was he to know that this time it would be any different.
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"Sure man, we're still friends I guess. Bros before Hos right? I'm sorry I got your ass kicked before you could thoroughly enjoy your first experience with fellatio. Those dudes were looking for me you know?" "Yeah," he answers, "Karen told me about it after the cops left and she came downstairs from her place. She ran off while they were stomping the shit out of me, but I don't blame her. She was actually the one who called the cops, she said her gun only had one bullet left in it and there were three guys so she called the police instead of shooting them like she really wanted to. I think she was serious dude!"
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"She was totally serious. That bitch doesn't fuck around Chickenwing, she's pretty hardcore!" "Holy shit, you really like her don't you? I mean like for real?" He's stopped crying and now he sounds like the old Chickenwing again. "You should probably talk to her man, she's been really worried about you! She couldn't reach you on the phone, and she even went to your house a couple times, but you weren't there." "Alright," you say, "let me talk to her then. I guess I'll see you when you get of rehab man. Maybe we can get good and fucked up for old times sake? Take care of yourself." "Yeah I will. You too. Later dude."
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"Where the fuck have you been hiding?" It's Wal-Mart girl, and she doesn't sound very happy to hear from you, just really pissed off. "I was starting to think you were dead, why the hell did you wait until now to call? You're not still pissed because I gave Derek a little head for some blow are you? Because you and I were never official or anything which means I can suck any dick I want to!" She has a point, but you are still a little pissed at her. "Fine, okay, but did you have to suck Chickenwing's dick, of all the people in the world you gotta choose my best friend, a guy with a serious weight problem and a physical deformity? Hey, why don't you come on over here, there's a midget porn star you can suck off!"
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"Oh fuck you" she says, "I would have been more than happy to only go down on you, if you would have just said something that last night we were together. But all you said was don't set any alarms and wake you up in the morning when I left! And speaking of wake-up calls, we need to talk. In person." "I don't think that's such a good idea," you say, even though you really want to see her, "I still have to deal with the bikers from Hell, plus I gotta find a new place to live. Also, I'm working, sort of, so I'm going to be pretty busy for awhile... maybe I could call you in a couple days, we could set something up." You're dying to see her again, but you're afraid too. You're not used to this love stuff, and it frightens you.
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"I'm fucking pregnant you asshole!" she screams, and then the line goes dead as she hangs up the phone.
TO BE CONTINUED...
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